Friday Blues?

I guess it only makes sense. When one is working, you get the Monday blues.* So, I suppose it only makes sense that when one is not working, the Friday blues are possible.

It is the second Friday in a row where I've been hit with a bit of the blues. I made it through the week, busy with seeing friends, doing errands, working on my independent business opportunities, relaxing and enjoying life. Then Fridays seem to come and I feel a bit…empty, having lack of direction or general melancholy. I haven't fully put my finger on it but Fridays seem to get me a bit down.

At least I am looking forward to the weekend. We have a friend's 40th birthday with a lunch with the 4 of us and then his big bash next weekend.

And I always have my sweet little rescue dog, Lulu, crazily chasing her tail. What a life she leads - bet there is no Monday or Friday blues for her…!

* I actually always got the Tuesday blues as there was still a dream of the weekend on Monday whereas Tuesday, what do you look to? There's no reminiscing from the weekend nor is the work week even halfway over…!

The Joys (?) of Not Working

Today is my first 'real' day on my career break. It technically began on the 1 January and today would have been my first day back in the office.

When we are part of the hum drum of the rat race and a small cog in the machine that is (add in any other colloquialisms you see fit), we, or at least I, would dream of not working. Now that I am not working, what am I doing? Not dreaming of working but certainly having anxiety about money. It sort of defeats what I am trying to do, which is take a break, a breather and reassess. How can I do that when I sit here looking at my bank account and add up what I'll be paid for my career break and subtract what I know my monthly expenses to be and spiral quickly down into worry of 'what if'?

Do I 'need' much money? No. I know I can live on very little, I've done it before. Do I have the reassurance of a supportive partner who has a good job which would provide the both of us nothing fancy but enough to be OK? Yes. Does that assuage any fears I have? Not really.

So, what am I afraid of? Well, I like having a a job and making my own money as it represents strength as well as independence for me. I think it is important to maintain that especially when in a committed relationship as dependency on another person is something I am not built for. In addition to the pay check, I like to learn and develop relationships with people and engage my brain. I think working is the key to keeping your brain active in ways you just don't get from not having employment in some shape.

But I have to ask myself, is a corporate job for me? This is what I need to figure out as I have a sneaking suspicion and have had for a while that I am not. I am not built for bureaucracy nor am I built to be led by someone / a group of people I do not believe in.

Is inspiration too much to ask for these days? How does one 'get inspired'? Suggestions welcome!

What?

how has more than a year past and i have not updated this at all? why the return now? does anyone even read it?

i'll start with the easy answer - i have retuned because i semi-quit my job. i want to write and capture how i am feeling through this because right now, i don't know where my head is at and i thought this would be cathartic.

where have i been for a year plus? this year was a good one, actually. maybe that's why i haven't written because I've been too busy being happy and living my life. the haggis is good and i love him through all the good and the bad. we've been travelling quite a bit - 10 1/2 holidays in total - so that has taken up lots of time and work is….well, its clear how that has turned out.

so, to the travel. i won't and probably couldn't go into detail on all of them but here is where we went (in no particular order): kicked off the new year in the UK (scotland to be exact), penang, japan for skiing (naeba), myanmar, tokyo to see a friend, langkawi, danang, back to the UK for a wedding, bangkok, beijing for another wedding and soon - to the US for christmas!!!

most significantly, myanmar was fantastic. beyond words, a wonderful place with wonderful people. out of the bigger trips we've taken - nepal, india and myanmar - myanmar was my favourite. the country is gorgeous and the people so kind. we travelled around the country and saw as much as we could in 9 days. some photos below, but really, try to go there. we went to yangon (rangoon), bagan, mandalay, inle lake and ended it perfectly in ngapali. my only concern about myanmar is that it will become ruined with tourism. the numbers of tourism have increase exponentially and it seems the government and infrastructure is not prepared for that.

now, to work. i spent the last 13 months trying to make someone happy who cannot communicate properly. someone who doesnt know what he wants. someone who is has the lowest EQ of anyone i've ever met. someone who is under water and incapable of being a leader and doing his own job. i have given up after receiving the brunt end of his frustrations. it is very hard for me to give up. i don't usually but i can't take the mental abuse any longer. so i am taking a 'career break' to figure out what i want to do. the firm is trying to phase this programme out but the granting of a career break to me only translates to admission of guilt on their part. i am thankful for the break and i need it in order to rebuild myself.

so, kicking off a resurgence of this blog with some happy photos of myanmar :)

BBC Plays the Nutcracker - Is it that time of year already?

i listen to BBC radio three at work.  it plays great classical music and from time to time updates me on all the worlds current events.  i love it and it drowns out the otherwise aggressive yelling of cantonese.

as i sat and tapped away on an email, i heard the immediately familiar sound of the...wait for it...wait...waaaaait...the nutcracker.

for those of you who know me, know i did several seasons with a semi-pro (i use that term loosely) ballet company which performed the nutcracker annually.  the sound of nutcracker music used to strike the fear of God, or scottie, as we called him, into me.  he was one of the two artistic directors and was fantastic.  he was a real classic ballet person.  scarily anorexic and lived off of cigarettes and dunkin' donuts coffee.  he could dance the $hit out of anything though.  and although very slim, could lift any wannabe ballerina above his head and onto his shoulder for a classic 'shoulder sit' move.  scottie was slightly insane and would blow smoke in our faces telling us 'faster' and 'turn that foot out - that is ugly!'.  he would blatantly flirt with guest performers all whist wearing a Province Town pink crop top, which he clearly cropped himself.  (side note:  those of you unfamiliar with P-Town - it is the tip of massachusetts where gay men frequent in the summer time).  at that age, we didnt know about sexuality and it didnt matter - still doesnt - scottie was magical to us.

when i used to hear nutcracker music, i would immediately slip into some sort of catatonic state and memory smells of cigs, very sweet heavily creamed coffee and cheap cologne would waft over me but now, it brings back fond memories of my days travelling around new england dancing as a mouse or boy or doll or a flower.

Hoping Everyone is OK in the Philippines

the philippines gets smashed by a huge typhoon (largest recorded in history - see image below) - i hope all is ok with the people there!

He Ate His Brother

this is just plain crazy.

a two year old boy was found in china having had his twin inside his belly.  i bet he ate him in utero...!

here is the link.

Instagram

slightly obsessed with instagram. so what are the rules with making posts? do you post EVERYTHING? or do you have an instagram 'strategy'. here is mine - wonder what it says about me?


 

What Does It All Mean?

after i let the haggis know i didnt think i could be an army wife, we [slightly] joked that the reason why he got injured at sandhurst and didnt go into the british army was because we were fated to meet.

recently, i also found out, what at the time i would classify as a friendly acquaintance who was a old work colleague, did something monstrously horrible to me a few years ago, recently recovered from stomach cancer.

for one, i believe in karma.  that is what attracts me to buddhism.  in a list, and who doesnt love a good list, buddhism can be summed up:
(1) to lead a moral life,
(2) to be mindful and aware of thoughts and actions, and
(3) to develop wisdom and understanding.

buddhism doesnt pass judgement on the thoughts and actions you have but basically believes you plant 'seeds' which come to fruition in this life or the next.

i am not perfect, far from it.  ive 'sinned' (using a catholic term) or been 'bad' or 'unskillful' (referencing the less judgemental buddhist terms) and feel ive paid for it.  hopefully i havent done anything so egregious that it comes back to haunt me for rebirth after rebirth after rebirth though!

and it isnt that i wish harm on anyone but instances like these do make me think.  this old colleague - i treated very well.  she was new to hong kong from the us office and i ensured she was included socially and tried to help her adjust to hong kong as much as i could.  over time, i realised she would not be a close friend but i kept things friendly as we worked together.  as time went on, i found out she had what appeared to be a drinking problem (which you have to stand out quite a bit in hong kong as an uber-lush to be classified as having a drinking problem) and did other things that made me wonder how unhappy she was or how low her self-esteem must be.  and later, when i found out what she did to me, my friend said to me, "you have to really hate yourself to do something like that" - referencing how low she actually stooped.

now, years later - i find out she's suffered stomach cancer, she is obese, depressive, lonely and a general sad sack - i do wonder.  i do not think what she did to me has led her to where she is today but i do think, being privy to a bit of her life and some of the choices she made while i knew her, karma can be a huge b*tch.

and that is what i like about buddhism.  make your choices in your life but deal with the outcomes - positive and negative - of your actions.  i plant 'seeds' which i hope will only grow and flourish but occasionally a bad one sneaks in ;)

For the Longest Time

in the great words of billy joel.

it has been some time since i wrote anything but i am sadly not up to too much.  i work, i paddle (a lot) and do regular things like go out to dinner and meet up with people.

today, we had a time trial for outrigger.  i did fine especially considering ive injured my neck/shoulder and havent been practising as much as of late.  the rain was coming down and the monsoon warning was lifted so it was less than ideal conditions.  and 6 and a half hours later, i finally arrived home soaked through to the bone.

tonight is the yacht club pool party but i just cannot be bothered.  ive downloaded the second season of 'call the midwife' which is on bbc about midwives in england in the early 50's.  plus, the haggis has left for the uk for his mothers birthday and i am quite looking forward to an evening on my own.  i do miss him but its the first night so keen to do some 'me time'.

ive realised, with the haggis (who ive decided, at times, is much like rupercht from dirty rotten scoundrels' - see the video below if you're unfamiliar) off to the uk, that i dont have many friends.  a really nice woman from the firm in new york has moved over.  we get on quite well and she said to me, "people think because i am friendly that i have lots of friends, when the truth is, i dont."  i am similar as i have friends from different pockets of my life.  i dont have a clique, per se, never have and dont really want one.  i value and appreciate the differences in people and get along with random folks from areas in my life.

i am long beyond the days where i feel bad about myself because i stay in on a saturday night but i do wonder if ive become too couple-ised?  ive never wanted to become that girl whose life revolves around a boyfriend.  i can justify things and say ive never been able to trust and completely put myself into another person until now.  and when that happens, those are your priorities.  but the other part of me knows and feels that girlfriends are important.  i have them, but they are quality, not quantity and at times they are half way across the world.

so, i guess until i have some answers, i am happy with who i am and what relationships i have - which is the best way to be!

Hong Kong's Spoiled Brats

interesting how what can just be observed, needs a study to be certifiable.  well, the study is here as posted in the SCMP - link.

the article focuses on academics but ive felt this sentiment overall since ive got here.  there are a lot of brats, on both the expat and the hk chinese side, and a 'big fish in a small pond' mentality.  people are spoiled and soft here.  now dont get me wrong, nobody wants kids facing knife fights in the streets but there is a general lack of knowledge of what life is like outside the hong kong bubble, what hard work is, that things are not just given to you because you are the only child in a family full of aunties and grandparents or that youre actually not that hot.

people have an over-inflated sense of who they are and therefore, what they think they deserve - being the operative word - not what they earned.

and its not like new york.  there are a handful of arrogant jerks regardless of the country but when you come to a city as tough as new york - where if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere - and you do "make" it (however you wish to define it) then at least you know what struggle is and you know what it takes to work hard.

these hk spoiled brats dont understand that.  i see it everyday with the young associates.  they think that sitting at their desk and chatting on facebook equals work because youre physically there.  they seem to believe the more they moan about "oh so busy, so busy - aiya" that means hard work.

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in other hong kong news, the rubber duckie is in town.  he's very big and very cute.  hope the pollution from the harbour doesnt hurt him!!!